My Minor Ambitions

Sometimes when I don't want to do something I end up not doing it. Not because I don't want to do it, but more because subconsciously i know that if i do it i wont do it properly. I know that it may not make any sense to you right now, but when you realise you're not doing something you don't want to do, you'll understand.

When i do end up doing something i don't want to do, though, i always find some way of cocking things up a little. Or a lot. In fact, i cock most things i don't want to do entirely. But it doesn't sadden me. It actually makes me realise i never really wanted to do it in the first place which eventually makes me do the thing I've always wanted to do, in the end. So it always works out! not always for the better and not always for the worst. it just works out.

Sometimes, i think the cast of Grey's Anatomy could use a person like me. Someone who talks total crap but it isn't crap that nobody understands, it's crap that actually makes sense. And that show needs some of the good crap before their audience begin admitting themselves to a mental institute.

distractions of pain and misery. ahh the emo inside me!

Oh why do things always happen to me?!

wait. perhaps i should rephrase that...

Oh why do only bad things happen to me!?

that's better.

I'm alone. not in the sense that there aren't people around. in the sense that i cant look up and think, wow i feel good. which in truth has nothing to do with loneliness.
I'm alone. alone in a world full to the brim of people i can be with. i just don't want to see them anymore. actually. i want to see them. all the time. i just don't want them to see me. i don't want them to see me because i know that i wont be able to look up at them and smile a smile so genuine, so articulate, and so perfect that it would make them believe that i am not alone.

i have nobody. i can't cry in a crowd room. because i know it will make the crowd suffer. i don't want suffering. at least not because of me. i can't cry on my own. because i know the whimpering sounds i make will travel through the soft fragile walls, not of my heart but of my house, and fill it with such hurt. i can't look up and cry. because i know that one soul i once knew will be up there and will be looking down. and will be saddened to know that i am alone. and i don;t want that. why am i alone? i have a mother and a father. i have brothers and a grandmother. then why do i feel so alone? is it because i need help from that one person. that one person every single person has, but me?

people say that God builds everyone in twos. every single person in the world has a partner. That there is a perfect some one for that perfect somebody. someone made just for you. someone you were put on this earth for. someone who as put on this earth for you. He just leaves it up to us to find our other half. maybe that's why they call it other half. because each half has half a heart and the other completes it. that's the true meaning of a heartbeat. it takes two to tango after all.
maybe that's what it means not to be alone. when you know your heart is in you chest but beats in someone Else's.